So how does an awesome girl like me get an Eating Disorder?
[This may be triggery, especially if you have an eating disorder and you click on the links to BusyGamer/Gamettes below.]
If you’ve ever wondered how a girl like me gets an eating disorder, I think it may be time for us to sit down and talk. Because I think there are some misapprehensions out there, and it’s really time I get them cleared up.
To start with, I suffer from ED-NOS (which is Eating Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified). I have Binge Eating Disorder, with a side of Anorexia. Only because I am teh Death Fats (hat tip Leslie @ Fatshonista.) Now, to put this in perspective, I am not “as fat” as Leslie. Yet my BMI says I am morbidly obese (see where we get Death Fat?) and doctors have had serious conversations with me about my weight.
So I can’t actually be anorexic, no matter how much I starve myself, even if I lose a massive amount of weight suddenly and unhealthily through that method.
Okay. So that’s ED-NOS. (Any further questions about the specifics of my ED which are addressed to me respectfully and with grace will be handled as I have grace and spoons to do so. Trolling comments and questions will be unrepentantly deleted, if I’m feeling kind. Mocked if I am not.)
Now. I am not your ordinary “girl.” Some of you may have seen pictures of me all done up with a fur and red lipstick. That’s me. So is the girl who says, “That’s right bitches, I’m back,” while playing a particularly vicious Traffic Attack race in Burnout: Revenge. So’s the girl in the tank-top and jeans who’s got a wrench in her hand and is desperately trying to remove her showerhead from the pipe so she can install the new one. So’s the girl up to her static-strapped wrist in tiny-screws who’s dismantling a computer to install a new hard drive because she’s tired of relying on friends to do it for her.
I’m a girl who bakes cupcakes, and a girl who fixes cars. I’m a girl who rewires electronics, and knows how to put on fake lashes. I’m a girl who tells sex jokes, knows how to qualitatively evaluate beers, and uses her cellphone for the internet in her pocket and to text love notes to her boyfriend.
So that’s me. You may be wondering (because I would be, if I were you) how someone so kick-ass and clearly awesome gets an eating disorder. You may be asking yourself (because I would be, if I were you) how someone who has so many great qualities just scratching the surface (and that’s all I did there…I haven’t told you a hundred thousand OTHER awesome things about me) can lose faith in herself.
I was hit with a blindingly clear example of what drives the bad tapes in my head today. I debated linking it, because it’s a piece of trash in many respects, and I hate to give it even my tiny (and it is, teeny tiny) linkjuice. But I decided I can illustrate my point better if I link to some pictures, so I am going to do so.
Let me open with the Frag Dolls, beautiful women of a variety of ethnicities and sizes (although they don’t deviate too far from the societal “ideal”). Now, their homogenity in terms of “traditional attractiveness” can be understood somewhat…they’re a paid marketing tool of Ubisoft. But even Ubisoft recognizes that a) girls play their games too, and b) that guys might be attracted to something other than a broom handle wearing a paper-plate smiley face for a head.
That might be enough to give me a complex, but hey, I’m not that different from those girls. I mean, I might weigh a little more, and I might not play quite as much Rainbow Six, but…I could be like their slightly less attractive because I’m not paid to play XBox and make public appearances sister.
They’re not what does it.
What does it is sites like Busy Gamer, with their Gamettes. (And don’t even get me started on the gendering of a non-gendered word that manages to make it sound juvenile and “cute.” We’ll be here all day if I do.)
Take a look at that page, and the “Gamettes.” What do you see? What I saw, as soon as I logged in?
All the women chosen by this site to represent them are very thin, white, and acceptably alternative. They may or may not be actively involved in the nerd community, as defined by the site in it’s application, I have no idea and I’m not willing to spend the time getting intimate with these women to find out. Because that’s not the intent of the site, and that’s what I’m addressing here.
These women are not presented as women, they’re presented as marketing, for a website ostensibly about games. Unlike the Frag Dolls, who are required to have game skills and who are paid as much for the possession of those skills as their appearance, they are paid (not in money, but in exposure and merchandise, which gets into a whole other transactional issue) to be the very societal image of the only acceptable body type for someone of my interests.
How does a girl like me get an eating disorder? She gets told that the only way it’s acceptable to be so awesome is if she attains an impossible ideal (or dies trying, as many with untreated eating disorders do every year). She gets told that the nerd/geek community accepts all, but no one will actually find her attractive unless she becomes something she is not, something it will damage her to become. She gets told day in and day out that unless she looks like this she might as well be invisible.
How an awesome girl gets an eating disorder is the same way any other girl gets an eating disorder. Because she’s internalized the message that no matter how awesome she is, she’s never awesome enough.
Princess of the Week: HRH Princess Elizabeth Tudor of Englandt
(Sorry PotW is late this week, I had a meeting yesterday morning and wanted to make sure I had time to devote to writing a full post.)
This week’s Princess of the Week is Princess Elizabeth Tudor, who would eventually become Queen Elizabeth I of England. I would link to a portrait of her, but I’ve had relative trouble finding one from her Princess years.
Princess Elizabeth was well educated, and taught to speak five languages. As a girl she translated texts from French into English, including in 1544 at the age of 11 translating a French prayerbook. The translation itself is an accomplishment, but so is the fact that by that age she was educated enough to grasp the nuances of the language well enough to translate a religious text.
In addition to the host of academic subjects she was taught (including mathematics, theology, and history) she was an accomplished craftswoman and athlete. She learned needlework, dancing, hunting and archery as a young woman.
She was also responsible for the running of the estate of Hatfield, and while she received an allowance from the crown and had advisers to help her run it, the ultimate authority for this estate lay with her. She was responsible for maintaining good relations with the farmers and craftspeople who lived on the estate, and settling disputes between them.
She was also a supporter of the “reformed” Protestant religion, and even when Queen Mary, a staunch Catholic (and her elder sister) took the throne, she maintained the courage of her convictions and retained her religious practice. Though she was offered inducements to convert back to Catholicism, she believed that consistency and faith were more important than temporal rewards, providing an example and spiritual leadership for her people.
As well as all this, as a Princess, she had to navigate the strange political waters of the English Court during a time of great turmoil. Between the religious disputes and the uncertainty of England’s allies (first Spain, then France, then Spain again…) she was in a precarious position that required all of her wits and intellect. Domestic scandals were also never far from hand, including her step-father making inappropriate advances in what is now suspected to be a bid to get closer to the throne of England.
All in all Princess Elizabeth was well trained to be queen, but her overlooked accomplishments as a Princess stand in history as a guidepost for all young women. They demonstrate that grace and intellect are not opposing forces.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s Princess, and please remember if you have thoughts, comments, or suggestions for future subjects, you’re always welcome to leave them with me!
Princess of the Week: HRH Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden
I chose HRH Crown Princess Victoria Ingrid Alice Désirée as the first Princess of the Week because she’s a modern princess and a very accomplished woman, who puts to bed the idea that being beautiful and royal means you’re useless.
From an early age, Princess Victoria had a rigorous education. When she reached adulthood she studied in France for a year to work on her French language skills, before attending Yale University. Before all this, however, she travelled extensively through Europe to develop other language skills. From what I’ve been able to gather, in addition to Swedish, she speaks French, German, and English.
In addition to her studies in formal university, Princess Victoria has served in two periods with the United Nations, and also with the Swedish Embassy in New York. Both of these diplomatic jobs will prepare her for ruling her country, but more importantly, show that even as a Princess she has had the responsibility for representing her country and enhancing relationships with other nations. She also travels extensively on behalf of Sweden as a diplomatic representative, business supporter, and in pursuit of her support of humanitarian aid.
Meanwhile, the Crown Princess Victoria Fund is dedicated to supporting accessible recreation activities for disabled children, another issue she’s taken an interest in. She uses her fame and connections to support her subjects, even though she’s not yet Queen. As a Princess she has already found ways to ensure that the power she has isn’t going to waste.
She’s also had military training! As is expected of many heirs to the throne, Princess Victoria has served with Sweden’s military, before studying at the Swedish National Defense College in the areas of conflict resolution and International Relations.
In terms of romance and marriage… Far from being a political pawn who is being married off to solidify a family line, Princess Victoria chose her own fiance! At the age of thirty-two, she announced her engagement to a man she cares for very deeply (as opposed to someone chosen by political advisors, or her parents).
Princess Victoria also remains committed to truth telling about the pressures of being a woman. Once a sufferer of anorexia, and now a survivor, she is publicly vocal about the pressures women face in today’s society and how damaging they can be.
As you can see from this brief listing of things she’s done, she remains responsible for many diplomatic jobs. She doesn’t just wait at home for the world to come to her, but works hard to make her mark on it while supporting her nation.
So, that’s it for this first Princess of the Week. I hope you’ve enjoyed it! If you have any suggestions for a Princess you’d like to see featured, comments, or thoughts, please feel free to leave them! Thanks for stopping in.
Not so daily outfit and thoughts.
I dyed my hair black. I did it because I broke up with the Other Boyfriend. (It leaves me with only one boyfriend.)
Last night I went out in a vintage inspired dress of black chiffon over a black slip, nude fishnets, and black t-strap spectators. I did fifties makeup, it’s amazing how glam red lipstick makes you feel.
There’s a sort of devastating emotional honesty to dressing. You pick clothes that express how you’re feeling, who you want to be. That project things about yourself, but they’re tiny details. You focus on the smallest parts of yourself, little facets of a greater person. That fantastic vintage inspired dress says you’re a romantic or a femme fatale. It doesn’t reveal your vulnerability, or the way your heart is breaking. That fantastic string of pearls that you wear with your metal t-shirts says you’re secretly a girly-girl, but it doesn’t tell anyone that you know how to change a tire.
Clothes, then, become the way of painting who we want the world to see us as. It’s one of the reasons I’m so frustrated by the lack of options for a “girl of size” such as myself. I’m a weird inbetweenie, some of the most hideous of the “fat girl” options fit, but mostly I find myself picking over already picked through racks in an attempt to find something that fits that doesn’t project “I’m a fat girl who hates herself and is ashamed of her body” to the world. Because regardless of how I feel, that’s not how I want people to see me.
And so, last night, in the wake of a break up, I put on clothes that said I was fine and makeup that made me look it, and I went out and faced the world. Because that’s how I wanted to be seen.
Stylish life in a college town?
All black today, and the focal point of my outfit is really my Tiffany Key. (It’s the mini silver heart topped one. I want to buy the bigger one, maybe for myself for Christmas.)
A-line skirt, black sweater tee, and satin Converse One Stars again.
And my hair is one of those artistically arranged messes that’s trying very hard not to scream “I have bed head and decided that trying to tame you with rubber bands was my only option.”
I need a hair cut. Which means finding a place to get a hair cut. You would think in a town full of college girls, finding a salon I could build a relationship with wouldn’t be that hard, but so far I’ve had one haircut since I moved, and it was at the mall.
The things in life I want are pretty simple. A salon, a real mall, and a multi-plex that shows the occasional art film. All things you’d think I’d find in a college town. Why can’t I?
Style Thoughts: Pre-written
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I wrote this a while ago, but felt it should probably go up, so...here it is.]
It’s been a night for blog maintenance. I’d like to get in the habit of keeping this thing regularly, since I have a lot of style, fashion, makeup, lifestyle, and sartorial thoughts. I didn’t keep up with daily outfits (and I predict I probably won’t between work and the semester) but I’m going to actually try to get off my ass and get something written up here every day.
So. Today I am thinking about a couple of things. I quit smoking earlier this week (as long as you don’t count the occasional cigar, because there’s something in a good cigar and a glass of expensive liquor to celebrate a victory) and I’m trying not to respond to that by biting my nails more so… They’ve been a couple colors.
Earlier this week they were the combination I will always think of as “Devil Wears Prada,” a coat of Essie’s Ballet Slippers under Essie’s Marshmallow. Tonight I went with Cerise Noir, by Sally Hansen, a clear knock off of Chanel’s Rogue Noir. It’s definitely a more adult color, dark red. Between that and my super bright red hair (I dyed it again yesterday with the help of one of my best friends) I’m feeling like this is a kick some butt, get some things done week.
I also bought some fishnets yesterday. Two pair of nude, and one of dark brown. I’m not really sure I can rock black fishnet anywhere except a bar (which I don’t really go to any more) or a club (see previous) but I think I can rock nude fishnet at work. It’s part of my whole self-redefinition.
I wrote some before about how I wore the ill-fitting sweaters of goth, and punk, and grunge. But ultimately as I’ve grown up I’ve realized that I’m much more high-maintenance princess, femme-fatale. Give me my shocking red hair, and my shiny sleek nails, and my perfectly tailored pencil skirt. A dirty martini and a pair of dangerously high heels. (Make them tweed for day and sleek black patent for night.) A spritz of perfume, something girly and floral and a little dark on the undernote. Something that whispers long after you’ve left my desk.
I fantasize about being this woman, who swings a well toned leg out of the passenger’s side door of a sleek car, something a bit curvy and classy grey or dangerous red.
Daily Outfit and Style Thoughts: 10.19.09
Today’s outfit is “hipster casual pretending to be business Monday.” Grey scoop neck t-shirt, black small-wale corduroys, red satin Converse One-Star ballet slippers. Two black satin headbands, Tiffany key and bejeweled gun-metal angel wing necklaces, and heavy men’s watch.
And of course, the hammered silver ring I never take off that I ordered from One of a Kind in Israel. (Yes mine is the Gam Ze Yaavor ring, which makes a lot of sense if you know me.)
My fingernails are Essie’s “Marshmallow” although it’s taken on a pink tint from my hair, which really irritates me, and I keep thinking there must be a way to prevent that.
I’m wearing BPAL’s Creepy, the original version, which has mellowed nicely into an adult foody scent that isn’t anything like the pre-25 of myself wearing it before that I remember.
So, all this sartorial contemplating is mostly for the benefit of the fact that I have a conference on Friday and Saturday. I’m support staff, which means I need to blend into the background, look professional, and somehow maintain my own personality in my clothes. It feels like a huge challenge.
In part because it’s been a very long time since I’ve really had to do that. The law firm had a dress code, which was pretty easy (if boring) to adhere to. Generally it meant a black skirt and some sort of collared shirt. The university has its own sort of dress-code, for which I am generally vastly overdressed (I prefer dresses to khakis in general).
So…I’m thinking black skirt and funky shoes…
Daily Outfit and Style Thoughts: 09.20.09
Today’s outfit is a quickie. I’m wearing black ballet flats, 3-tone gray and black socks, and a black microfiber dress with a v-neck and a drapey knee length skirt. It would have liked jewelry, but I’m the world’s lazyist fashionista and so I chose an extra ten minutes of sleep over accessorizing, thinking I still had accessories in my bag. This was, of course, accessory fail, since all I had was an arm full of jelly-bracelets. (Trying to come off as a mature office guardian with an arm full of jelly bracelets is so not happening, so I decided no accessories, and I’d just look half finished and try to rock it confidently.)
Over the weekend I got my brows waxed, which led me to today’s contemplation…
Fashion and beauty and such are for me. I might choose an outfit based on where I’m wearing it and what’s appropriate (later this week there will be ruminations on that and my Joan Holloway proportioned bosom…) but everything I wear, and every little beauty ritual I do is ultimately for the purpose of making me feel better. I choose colors and fabrics based on how they feel to the touch and how they’re going to make me feel over the course of the day. Colors are based on how much I want to look at them and how being in them makes me feel as how they look on me.
This is probably a huge part of my reduction in black clothes. Sure it’s a practical color, easy to dress around, but it always makes me feel a little draggy during the day…and a little like I’m trying to hide in the background. It’s interesting (though not entirely unexpected) that I’ve changed so much about a color.
Hopefully later this week there will be a nail polish review. I gave in and acquired Ballet Slippers (Essie’s famous shade) and plan on layering it with Marshmallow, a la Devil Wears Prada to replicate a little fashion moment there.
<3,
Vanille
Daily Outfit and Style Thoughts: 09.18.09
So I’ve been reading a bunch of style books recently, because I’m on an evolution and self-editing kick, and I thought it would be fun to start talking about my clothes and style thoughts.
For reference, I devoured The Little Black Book of Style by Nina Garcia, and am now reading both The One Hundred: A guide to the pieces every stylish woman must own also by her, and Style A to Zoe by Rachel Zoe. I also watch The Rachel Zoe show, Project Runway, Gossip Girl, and Mad Men for style-spiration. (And part of my personal style is the Oxford Comma. I find it ever so charming, even if it is a little extra formal.)
So, with all that said…today’s outfit. It’s a Friday, I work at a university, so I have the privilege of being a bit relaxed. I tend towards a little more conservative during the week, since I am the face of the program for most students (and I’m still young enough to look like one of them. I find it hilarious that I’m 27 and in this college town I still get carded for cigarettes, but that’s a different entry.)
I am wearing dark-wash jeans with a slight boot cut, a lavender t-shirt (with a cute dog and the caption “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet”) under a black wrap sweater (ballerina style, so a little bit of the shirt sticks out underneath), argyle socks that no one can see, and black sneakers. I’ve accessorized with a cheap pair of penguin earrings from Claire’s (I kind of love Claire’s a little too much for earrings. You can almost always get 2 for 3, or 5 for 4 deals even on the multi-sets, and they’ve always got both cute and seasonal!), and an oversized men’s watch with a 30’s-ish font for the numbers in a bronzed-gunmetal. Oh! And Vera Wang’s Rock Princess perfume, which is rapidly becoming my signature scent!
To me this outfit is comfy while being pulled together enough to keep me out of the ranks of student laze. Friday around here is generally sweat-suits and PJs until class is over, which is when they all break out the Friday-night date-wear. By the time that happens, I’ll be safely ensconced at home with a DVD and dinner, and a paper I need to finish. This outfit, however, will totally see me through that, and it makes me feel cute enough that I’m comfy running all over campus in it without feeling like I have to hide behind a bus when people are looking.
It’s funny that’s I’ve discovered my personal style has really evolved since breaking up with A. I wear a lot more skirts and dresses now, and seem (even before Gossip Girl) to have pulled together a sort of urban preppy look. Imagine Blair Waldorf meets Joan Holloway, with a sprinkling of rock-n-roll glitter. It suits me a lot better, I think, than the struggling to be different goth look I tried to rock in my early twenties. It lets me rock the luxe I crave with the budget I afford, and doesn’t feel nearly as much like I’m trying too hard to be something I’m not.
So…if you feel like sharing, how have your style choices changed over the years? What have you kept (for me it’s the men’s watch, which I rocked long before Nina Garcia told me she thought it was cool) and what have you evolved (learning to love my hourglass figure while disguising the less favorable parts by highlighting the assets)? What do you see yourself still editing? And what’s one thing you’d love to try, but haven’t gotten around to yet?
<3,
Vanille